I had a strange dream last night:

I roll over and grope my cordless box thing I use to make phone calls. 10:46 am. Shit. I am late for work. I stare at the phone a bit longer and the following appears on the screen: “10:46 am. Shit. I am late for work.” Apparently I have a super power of some kind involving a deep telepathic bond with cell phones. After backflipping out of bed into a set of 10 jumping jacks while giving myself my usual “Your job NEEDS you!” pep talk, a pep talk that is completely untrue, I run down the stairs and out the door to my…….bicycle? Where the hell is my car? It’s my dream and I demand an Infiniti G35!

The sun is at high morning posture, a yoga position that it is in the process of patenting. I am at 54 Dover Road, my childhood house. The day is crisp & mild with a slight breeze to break up the monotony of perfect. The sound of a jackhammer, a bobcat, and other construction monsters cut through the serene aura of birds chirping. I roll my eyes at the tactlessness of the construction cult for working so early in the morning (to those of us that don’t wake until noon) and notice that my bike has gone missing. I approach the construction worker and over the sound of the jackhammer jacking, yelling like an obnoxious American tourist at a foreigner in their home country, demand to speak with their supervisor. The yellow hat-wearing worker (who has a handsome late 80’s mustache) points into the garage. As I near the supervisor, I see my bike stuck between two planks of boundary wood in a garden. I rip my bike out with some effort and hop on.

Not long into my ride, I notice that the handbrakes are missing. Not only the handbrakes, but the wire that connects them to the brakes, the chain and….the tires. How I managed to ride a bike with no tires is something that would take another whole sentence to explain. I refuse to do that. I clamorously drag my bicycle to the house having the work done on its front yard and right before yelling at the men working, I look up in the sky and see 2 dots on the edge of a cloud. I peer closer at it and everything goes dark for a split second, making me feel like I have been knocked off my feet.

When I open my eyes, I am up in the sky with my girlfriend, whose code name will be “bandia”, which is Gaelic for “goddess”. She and I are debating who would win in a fight: The god of fire, or the god of water. She sides with the Matchbox 20 wannabe and I vouch for the wrath of a thousand squirt guns. They both look like Zeus to me. We look down onto the land beneath us and take in a beautiful sight: 2 temples rise from the beautiful, square pools that remind me of the rectangular one at the Taj Mahal. The one belonging to the flamer is surrounded in pyroclast and steam, its foundation stained in soot. The other temple is surrounded in a rushing torrent of water and an aura of mist. The battle ensues.

By the end of it, the god of water lay dead on the ground, his body still sizzling, charred, and broken, his trident still in his hand. Codename “bandia” starts giving me crap for being wrong and so I hold up my hand and tell her I will be right back. I focus on the god of fire and scream through the sky, landing on my feet next to the god of water with a loud boom. I take the trident from his hand, offended by the smell of burning flesh and fresh blood and aim it at the god of fire, who is too busy standing proudly with his chest out on his temple steps to notice me. I take aim and throw the trident at him and it makes contact, piercing his chest and going through his back; his heart sticking to the two inner pikes. A look of shock crosses over his face and he clumsily stumbles down the steps, taking his last breath before landing on his face. I look back up in the sky at codename bandia and laugh a little, yelling up to her, “I guess that makes me the god now!” I wake up.


I had a strange dream last night:

I found myself in a church and walked into a very large bathroom of sorts. There was only a toilet in the room and i ripped it up out from the ground. No water came out and it didn’t weigh much. I walked out into the congregation area and ran past a minister, clad in white robes. I yelled that the toilet was mine and they had had it long enough. He gave chase but i outran him, right out of the double doors. 

I stopped after a few paces outside and looked back in and he was not there. A pool of blood grew up into the floor and there were all kinds of creatures around it and they seemed to be lounging. Something ran up behind me and sunk it’s teeth into my neck. The toilet turned into a gold coin, freeing up my hands and i reached behind me pulling her in front of me with her back facing my chest. I pulled her tight and squeezed as hard as i could, trying to suffocate her. Apparently she was a vampire and she turned around and bit me again, turning the bloody pool a watered down shade of red.

After struggling with her, i got control and another thing came up and bit the other side of my neck, turning the blood a dark red to the point of it being almost black. It was some kind of demon. I threw the gold coin into the blood pool and the demon disintegrated and the female vampire turned into this nympho and tried fucking me. I punched her in her face, causing her to stumble back and held my hand out, palm facing the double doors, and the gold coin arose from the blood and flew back into my hand-hitting my palm with a slap. This normalized the nympho vampiress.

I looked at my feet and the ground beneath me dissolved like sand in an hourglass and turned to deep waters with a bridge on all 4 sides. Someone appeared behind me and she could fly and swim very well. I looked at myself and was 6 times the size of my normal self and had no skin, instead i was covered in this metal/rock substance and was huge. She chased me, trying to get the coin and i grabbed her by the head, throwing her into the water. She swam back up and a smaller version of her ran out of her torso and jumped on me, biting me ears. I grabbed it by the neck, snapped it’s neck, and tossed it into the water. At that moment a genderless entity swooped down in front of me, keeping ahead by a few paces. It had giant white wings on its calf muscles and was explaining to the woman trying to get the coin, what the coin meant. I grabbed one of it’s wings and ripped it off, causing her calf to bleed profusely. She vanished and the bridge vanished with her. In the place of the bridge, giant white pillars shot up from the water and i jumped from each one. The woman who could fly became afraid and stopped chasing me because she was afraid of the pillars. I jumped across the last one and into this rope made of fire. It was absorbed into my torso and great amounts of smoke began coming off of my body. I woke up.