Urine-spouting Hermes wannabe.

February 21, 2011

I had a strange dream last night:

The cool white colors dominate the courtyard I am having lunch in with my friend, Brandon.  The cobblestone floor is slightly worn, like the walls, with bits of moss growing on the cracks.  The sky is clear overhead and piercing blue.  A chill goes up my spine, as it is early spring and the shade is far cooler than I would like.  I look out at the chairs in the sunlight and tell Brandon we are moving to that area but before we rise, a skinny, dark skinned boy with white patterns on his skin appears, standing on the tips of his toes, small wings beating furiously at his ankles.  He has no hair and no muscle definition; eyes colored red and glowing bright as fire.

Smoke appears over the walls off in the distance and gunfire cuts through the relative quiet in the courtyard.  This South American town is in utter upheaval and revolution.  The boy moves his arms and hands in an erratic fashion, causing his cheeks to puff out.  He stands on one foot and leans forward, his arms spread out and spits a watered down yellow fluid at me as if he were a fountain.  It hits me directly in the chest and from the smell of it, I guess it is urine.  Furious, I rise from my chair and run at the lad and he snaps into a fighting position and jumps at me, feet first.  Performing some kind of  Brazilian martial arts in slow motion, he knocks me off my feet and I crash into the stone wall behind me, my neck emitting a loud “crack” upon impact.  I become nervous, not sure how to beat him since I do not know martial arts.  Not deterred enough, I run at him a second time and land a solid punch on his left eye but he spins around and throws me back into that same wall.  He takes up the fountain pose and spews more fluid from his mouth and it hits me in the face this time, burning my eyes, making it hard to go after him.  I scream at him furiously, causing the stream coming from his mouth to become thicker; less like urine, and more like a citrus smelling fluid.

Everything stops for a brief moment–no sounds can be heard, nothing moves, everything is frozen in time.  When “time” resumes, he heaves as if about to throw up and his ankle wings beat at full speed, creating a high pitched humming sound, lifting him off a few inches from the ground.  An old man hobbles into the courtyard, unnoticed by this quasi-Hermes creature, and whispers to me to be still and raise my arms up and out if I want to save myself and banish the evil spirits in the boy attacking me.  I follow his instructions and the winged boy drops back to his feet.  He runs at me again but fails in his attempted attack.  He tries repeatedly to assault me but I keep my arms out and refrain from saying anything, staying calm as possible.  After what feels like almost an hour, the boy refrains from attacking me and instead paces back & forth impatiently.  A deep “crack” echoes up from the ground in the distance and he snaps his head to attention.  He smiles, holding his hand out to me, palm facing the sky and snaps his fingers, causing a flame the size of a grapefruit to appear in his palm.  Everything goes black.

I woke up.

I had a strange dream last night:

This feels like heaven, nirvana.  Words do little justice to the impression I am left with.  Such….peace.  Finally.  Finally I feel peace.  I can rest.  I care not about going any further or to something greater, as this does indeed suffice.  I look around……..off in the distance ahead stand silver mountains, dramatically pushing through the white, billowing clouds above & covered in greenery from the foliage and trees growing on them.  A light green carpet of grass stretches out in every direction, the simple, beautiful monotony of it broken by the occasional old, twisty tree.  I hear the sound of water.  I look behind me and a mighty river bubbles up into view, its current rushing along in slow motion, making every glint of sunlight reflecting off the surface seem like diamonds that have been suspended in time.  I have nothing to say, I don’t even shed a tear of happiness; the only feeling I have at this moment is peace.  Serenity.  I feel like I am home again.

I inhale deeply, the smell of flowers filling my nostrils, and I close my eyes.  Through my closed lids I detect a shadow come over me and I look up to the sun, now wrapped up in bands of clouds and it pulsates.  The clouds quickly engulf it and turn it into an opaque, throbbing ball but I am alright with it.  The air has a different sort of feeling to it, but it is still very pleasant.  Suddenly, the sun bursts forth from the clouds, turning them to steam, and I explode in flames.  I feel no physical pain, but am very aware that my entire body is alight, even my eyes, and I hear the roaring sound that usually accompanies a large fire.  I inhale slowly, deeply; a concentrated tingling feeling takes over my limbs & head and the heat is not unbearable-it is consistent but not uncomfortably hot.  I walk toward the mountain and, able to see in a 360 degree view, notice the prints I am leaving in my wake.  Although I walk with my feet, I leave fiery hand prints behind me, black ones that burn the earth.  Nothing smells like it is burning, quite the contrary, I can still smell the flowers everywhere.

Within minutes into my journey toward the mountain, I hear a distant whinnying and look up at the sun, which has now turned black but is somehow still as bright as before and notice a dark, winged creature flying out from it.  It takes only seconds to approach me: a beautiful black horse with wings.  It dramatically swoops past me, bull snorting out of it’s flared nostrils and takes off back to the sun, kicking it’s legs with every downward thrust of it’s feathery, black wings.  It eventually collides with the sun, instantly turning it into the moon, which causes the ground beneath my feet to split, leaving a gap in the ground of about 6 inches or so.  I wake up.

I had a strange dream last night:

I roll over and grope my cordless box thing I use to make phone calls. 10:46 am. Shit. I am late for work. I stare at the phone a bit longer and the following appears on the screen: “10:46 am. Shit. I am late for work.” Apparently I have a super power of some kind involving a deep telepathic bond with cell phones. After backflipping out of bed into a set of 10 jumping jacks while giving myself my usual “Your job NEEDS you!” pep talk, a pep talk that is completely untrue, I run down the stairs and out the door to my…….bicycle? Where the hell is my car? It’s my dream and I demand an Infiniti G35!

The sun is at high morning posture, a yoga position that it is in the process of patenting. I am at 54 Dover Road, my childhood house. The day is crisp & mild with a slight breeze to break up the monotony of perfect. The sound of a jackhammer, a bobcat, and other construction monsters cut through the serene aura of birds chirping. I roll my eyes at the tactlessness of the construction cult for working so early in the morning (to those of us that don’t wake until noon) and notice that my bike has gone missing. I approach the construction worker and over the sound of the jackhammer jacking, yelling like an obnoxious American tourist at a foreigner in their home country, demand to speak with their supervisor. The yellow hat-wearing worker (who has a handsome late 80’s mustache) points into the garage. As I near the supervisor, I see my bike stuck between two planks of boundary wood in a garden. I rip my bike out with some effort and hop on.

Not long into my ride, I notice that the handbrakes are missing. Not only the handbrakes, but the wire that connects them to the brakes, the chain and….the tires. How I managed to ride a bike with no tires is something that would take another whole sentence to explain. I refuse to do that. I clamorously drag my bicycle to the house having the work done on its front yard and right before yelling at the men working, I look up in the sky and see 2 dots on the edge of a cloud. I peer closer at it and everything goes dark for a split second, making me feel like I have been knocked off my feet.

When I open my eyes, I am up in the sky with my girlfriend, whose code name will be “bandia”, which is Gaelic for “goddess”. She and I are debating who would win in a fight: The god of fire, or the god of water. She sides with the Matchbox 20 wannabe and I vouch for the wrath of a thousand squirt guns. They both look like Zeus to me. We look down onto the land beneath us and take in a beautiful sight: 2 temples rise from the beautiful, square pools that remind me of the rectangular one at the Taj Mahal. The one belonging to the flamer is surrounded in pyroclast and steam, its foundation stained in soot. The other temple is surrounded in a rushing torrent of water and an aura of mist. The battle ensues.

By the end of it, the god of water lay dead on the ground, his body still sizzling, charred, and broken, his trident still in his hand. Codename “bandia” starts giving me crap for being wrong and so I hold up my hand and tell her I will be right back. I focus on the god of fire and scream through the sky, landing on my feet next to the god of water with a loud boom. I take the trident from his hand, offended by the smell of burning flesh and fresh blood and aim it at the god of fire, who is too busy standing proudly with his chest out on his temple steps to notice me. I take aim and throw the trident at him and it makes contact, piercing his chest and going through his back; his heart sticking to the two inner pikes. A look of shock crosses over his face and he clumsily stumbles down the steps, taking his last breath before landing on his face. I look back up in the sky at codename bandia and laugh a little, yelling up to her, “I guess that makes me the god now!” I wake up.

I had a strange dream last night:

I was floating in a large watery area, there was fog blocking the long view and a round platform made of stone in the middle. I heard voices coming up from the water and i dropped 4 glowing seeds into it. Everything went black and all i could hear was the rushing of the water. 

A flash of light broke and i began rapidly flying around. I was attached to this gargantuan vine with a bright pink flower head. It was whipping about–the base of it below the water, circling the platform. There was another vine trying to attack me; the one i was attached to spat poison at it and choked it with it’s other tentacle. I heard a woman’s voice scream at me that she would get me (and my little dog too?). Two other forces emerged from the water from the seeds i had dropped–one of them represented steel and iron. I do not recall what the other 2 were or represented. They all engaged each other violently.

Eventually, i threw a metallic rope to the circular platform and swung over to it. I heard a chain of loud bangs; the water exploded and the vine that had been protecting me roared, taking down 2 of the other monstrosities along with it. Before they all smashed into the platform i was standing on, i threw that rope at the steel & iron creature, which had turned into a thick, giant floating sheet of metal. As soon as i latched on everything went black.

I heard the murmur of a great crowd and eventually gained focus. I was in an airport with Brandon, Justine, and Marcus. We boarded the plane–though the inside seemed like a private jet. I became very excited the faster we went. We took off and suddenly Marcus was piloting the craft. He rolled it a few times as a joke and i almost vomited on Justine. Marcus disappeared and was replaced by another pilot. He would cut the engines , causing the plane to plummet and drift, scaring the hell out of everyone else.

I made some lame joke about speedcar drifting. Nobody laughed. Fail! I looked outside and everything below us was on fire and black smoke filled the air. Marcus reappeared and the pilot had a twisted smirk on his face. Brandon and i stormed up to the cockpit and started hitting the pilot, yelling at him to fly the plane properly. Eventually he got the point and we were back on track, though everything on the ground was still ablaze. He would not tell us why. Everything went black again.

I was in a grocery store but there was hardly anybody in it. I heard a roar and to my left was a Bengal tiger (i guess it was there for the Tuesday special they were having on all Post cereal’s?). It was in pursuit of Brandon, but he looked different. He yelled for me to follow him so i gave him directions on how to get to the safe area in the produce section. The produce section turned into a small village area and he jumped 2 stories through a window to get away from it. The tiger paced back and forth at the foot of the “hut”.

I became angry , stomped my foot and as i opened my mouth a lion’s roar came out of it, not only grabbing the tiger’s attention but infuriating it. It charged me and i braced myself for impact. It must have leapt 5 feet at me and we collided. i grabbed its throat and rained blows on its face and under its side. I swiped at me and its claws ripped a good deal of flesh from my neck. As the blood poured onto the floor, little trees sprouted up through the ground, no higher than my knees.

Some youngling who i had never seen appeared next to a massive freezer, whistling to the tiger in a strange way. The tiger ran at him and leapt, but the boy jumped into the freezer and the tiger followed. I ran up against the doors to hold them closed and screamed at B to grab the guns. He slowly made his way out, hauling a massive cart of old looking and futuristic ones. The tiger sat there, staring at me rather calmly in spite of the sense of urgency i felt.

Some other people appeared and, despite me telling them not to touch anything in the freeer, they tried arranging some giant stones around the tiger, making it angry. It burst through the glass, knocking me back, killing 3 people immediately and pursuing another. I grabbed a 1900’s era hunting rifle and took off after it. It was mauling one of the people as i approached. I jumped onto a pallet, cocked the rifle, aimed and let off a shot, hitting the tiger directly in it’s face, pissing it off. I lunged at me and i jumped off the pallet. Another shot rang out and the tiger screamed. Brandon was off in the distance, looking down the scope of his rifle. I gave him a signal and led the tiger on a chase around the front end area, periodically shooting it in it’s face and Brandon did the same.

Eventually, the tiger pounced on me and sunk it’s teeth into my neck, causing plants and vines to sprout up all around me. I got on my back, grabbed my rifle, stuck it into the tiger’s mouth and unleashed everything i had. It’s head exploded and the body flew back some 8 feet. By the time i had gotten up to look at the body, it had transformed into a human body. The man got up and chuckled, patting me on the back, thanking me for freeing him. Everything went black.

I had a strange dream last night:

I was in a white-walled, furnished apartment and my friend Jenny was giving birth. I was overjoyed and realized the babies were mine even though she and i had not slept together (hear that, Jenny? We DIDN’T so don’t get grossed out). She thought she was just having one, but it turned out to be fraternal twins. Within a few minutes though, she had disappeared and i was told (not sure by whom, but heard a voice) to help by wrapping the babies up in some cloth. I found some next to me, noticing the texture of it was unlike anything i had ever felt. As soon as i had wrapped the boy and girl in it, the blood and birth fluids (gross) had disappeared and they were very clean and healthy looking-cute even. 

My old friend Mike had appeared and held the boy for me while i held the girl; we unrolled some wool blankets and a sheep skin blanket to put the infants on to sleep. I was still in a state of disbelief over what had all happened-how it happened. I walked over to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth (everyone’s favorite random activity) and used Mike’s but told him i would give him 5 dollars to get some more. I looked down at the floor and noticed all kinds of “stuff” on it from the birth, how it got all over the floors is beyond me. The baby boy appeared in my arms, wrapped up and i stared at him for a moment. He opened his eyes and we stared at eachother. I had never seen blue in someone’s eyes like that before. I gave him his first name, which i cannot now remember but i do remember was somewhat common. I gave him a secret name attached to his regular one and i think it was “Ralphiel” (or some variation of Raphael). The girl, i gave a Gaelic name.

I was out in the living room now, still holding the little lad and a strange man showed up in front of me with a notepad. He took down the babies names and put in their name and nationality. The strange man had written down that the boy was part Russian even though i told him he was Scottish. He looked at the boy and said, “He does not have his red hair, he is not Scottish, this one has Russian in him.” At that moment, the girl was brought to me by someone i didn’t recognize and her hair had sprouted, colored with a vibrant red, with yellow-orange at the roots. The strange man looked at her, took down her Gaelic name i gave her and wrote down “Scottish” next to her name and disappeared.

I pulled out my cell phone and started texting everyone, including Jenny, that i was a dad and had twins. I was very excited and it wasn’t long before 2 of my friends, Sam and Alex, showed up. I was talking to them about how events had unfolded. While talking, the 2 children had grown. Quickly. They looked to be about 3 years old now and the girl’s hair was like fire, bright yellow and orange at the roots up to the middle and then colored darker toward the ends, ending in deep reds and the tips were black. The boy’s eyes were even bluer, he looked right at me and it looked as if his eyes were sapphires with the sun shining directly through them.

I left the house to go tell others about what had happened, leaving the little ones there for some reason. After a few hours, my parents met up with me and we were driving to this place called “B.R.’s” to get my nephew, Soren. I called in advance to make sure my kids were there but the owner had only put Soren on the phone to say hello. I became pretty nervous at this point because although Soren was there like he should have been, he didn’t mention my kids names so i was afraid they wouldn’t be there either. Woke up.

I had a strange dream last night:

I was walking through the fringes of a city close to the shore approaching a glass building. It was a beautiful day and everybody was for the most part going about their business happily. I entered this glass building and heard an alarm going off in one of the rooms. Curious, i went over to investigate to see if anybody was inside. I knocked and nobody answered so i opened the door myself and walked in. At first i didn’t see anybody inside as i walked through the room. I heard a faint voice speaking and he seemed to be having a conversation. I went to the back of the room and through another door and there was a tall man sitting with his back to the door talking on the phone. He sounded nervous and was whispering loudly into the phone, “We cannot tell anybody! It’s supposed to be kept secret! It doesn’t matter how many lives are lost!” 

That last line kicked up my inquisitiveness and it made me angry. I rapidly walked up to him, spun him around and got in his face and screamed, “These are PEOPLE you are talking about you f***!” He ran to the side of the room and got on his stomach, putting his face up against the glass and yelled that it was too late. The alarm stopped and all noise seemed to disappear as well so i ran to the glass and pushed myself between the window and some long golden plank of sorts that must have been 10 or 11 feet long. Apparently, when shit is about to hit the fan, stay by the glass-its…..safe?

Anyway, i looked out the window and the sky on the horizon darkened and immediately afterward i heard a high pitched whining sound. The glass shattered and fire engulfed the city in an explosion that seemed to level everything in it. I was blown back into the wall and crashed through it, hitting another wall and everything went black.

As i “came to” i heard that man again and he was talking normally on the phone. When i was able to open my eyes, he walked up to me and told me that the N. Koreans and Chinese had dropped a nuclear bomb on the city. The Federal government had made a deal with those 2 countries and sold it to them and were now blaming the two countries for a “terrorist attack” and declaring war on China and N. Korea. My blood boiled but i could not yet stand up, as it felt like my bones had shattered from being thrown through that wall. He knelt down and stared at me, he had such a sad look in his eyes and he said, “I know.” He touched my forehead and i was able to stand but felt extremely sick.

He told me i had to go home but i refused as i stumbled toward the window. All of the city before me was a broken shell. Everything was red and orange and emanating smoke. Bands of people were running all over the place, others were throwing up, and more were sobbing. I stepped out of the window and appeared on the ground. He yelled that all of the city’s inhabitants would get radiation sickness, myself included, but i gave him the finger and told him to go to hell.

I hit myself in the stomach and was able to run down one of the avenues-i had no idea where i was going, though. A strong, young looking man and a woman in a nun’s habit stepped out from the middle of nowhere and a doorway appeared next to them. They told me that i had to come with them. I entered the door and found myself in some bunker-looking place, but it was actually quite nice inside. They led me to a room where a few others were resting and i was able to clear my head to think about all that had just happened. I heard some ruckus outside in the hallway and went out to see what the problem was. There was another man there, clothes shredded, bruised, bleeding who was screaming about what had just happened. I felt a swell of anger in my chest and yelled for him to calm down. I explained to him what had happened, what that man in the glass office told me about the N. Koreans, Chinese, and how our government sold them the bomb with the intent to have it dropped on us. He turned ghost white and could do nothing but stare at me. I made a fist and hit the concrete wall, putting holes in them but could not scream as loud as my temper wished me to. Woke up.

I had a strange dream last night:

I was standing across from a granite-type building, the size of which escaped my comprehension. It was essentially 2 rectangles, the rear one reached so far into the sky that i could not see it’s roof. The front one was no more than 2 stories tall and was graced with 2 giant oak arched doors. Nothing else was in sight. 

My eyes were drawn to the doors, as i felt something moving from within the building. The force of that movement within the building intensified, carrying my intrigue along with it. Moments after that, the doors were thrown open and the sound of wails poured down the steps but they were not wails of sorrow. It was unlike anything i had ever heard and sounded incredibly sublime. Overpowering.

This sound reached the bottom of the stairs that lead up to the doors and seemed to hover there, continuing it’s song, at which point my heart burst into flames, throwing fire toward the steps. I felt no pain but i could feel the force of the fire as it traveled up my chest and into my head, causing my eyes to catch fire as well. Again, no pain, just a very acute sensation. As this transpired, the wailing slightly changed tone which caused my eyes to water. As tears formed in the midst of the fire coming from my eyes i heard the sizzling and popping noises.

I walked into this building and went to the middle of the smaller area in the front. I opened my mouth and the purest water came from it, forming a pool at my feet. I looked into the water and, speechless, watched a form take shape in the water that was me, but not me at the same time. I cannot find the words to describe what i/not i looked like but it looked back at me and with its mouth, formed the word “true”. Upon realizing that word, my body seized slightly and i went into a state of shock which was rapidly followed by some kind of ecstatic feeling that permeated every cell in my body. My mouth was forced open and i wailed just like the one that came from the doors and out onto the steps. I had no breath with which to use as i wailed, it just came from my “core”.

The doors slammed shut and i was struck by a giant bolt of lightning, causing brilliant wings to rapidly sprout from my back. This hurt a great deal, as they literally grew right out of me, causing me to scream in pain. I collapsed onto the floor and these wings wrapped around my body, covering me completely and lifted the water from the pool in front of me; the water took the form of me and was singing with such a clear and beautiful voice in a language i did not recognize. I woke up.

P.s. I cannot sing for shit in real life.