Never hit a clergyman. Unless it’s Ben Affleck.

January 22, 2011

I had a strange dream last night:

I walked into St. Pauls–the old Methodist church I went to as a child.  My family was with me and we passed by our old pastor.  He was busy, but very surprised to see me back from the southwest after 3 years.  He motioned for my family and I to go in, signifying that he will catch up with me later.  I noticed that the ceilings were higher and the windows clear…bigger than they had been when I used to attend.  We took our seats and pastor Greg began his sermon; minutes into it, a column of smoke billowed out from the pulpit and he changed into a Pope–not THE pope, but A pope, robes and all, using the remainder of his time to rail against the Episcopalians.  I grew bored of his ranting and left, deciding to go check on my car.

Everything seemed normal and I popped the trunk, hoisting a large semi-bendable tube over my shoulder and putting the head of it to the trunk floor, pouring a watery ice cream substance onto it.  I spread it around evenly for a few minutes and my concentration was broken by laughter coming from the car next to me.  I slammed the trunk shut and found myself glaring at…..Ben Affleck.  With a smirk on his face, he told me that he is now the pastor of that church and I will not be able to stop him.  I dropped the tube to the ground and stomped one of my feet, curtly informing him that no such thing is going to take place.  Off he went, sprinting for the church and I followed suit; the chase took us to the inner section of the church and he ran into the pastor’s office to change into the robes.  I am not the pastor so I donned the assistant pastor’s robes, nervous that if people saw me in them, they would become upset, and I was angry that Ben Affleck did not care if he upset anybody who saw him in the pastor’s robes.

We took off again, Ben ran through a door and down a tunnel whose use is reserved for the head of the church.  I took a side hallway in an attempt to cut him off.  The hallway lead to a single room with green-glass windows and not much sunlight able to penetrate them.  Mr. Affleck burst through the door shortly after I did and we charged each other, tackling simultaneously and clawing at each others robes (I would like to interject here and state that this part could have been due to a possible wrestling match with my comforter while I slept).  I was able to rip some gold thread from his robe, causing him to pause momentarily and his eyes to well up with water.  He jumped through the green window, causing a bright white flash to fill the room.  Darkness followed.

I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear distant footsteps and my own breathing.  A quick flash enabled me to see again, and Ben ran into the back of the sanctuary, paused, and slowly walked up the left side of the aisle.  I waited patiently by the door and as he passed, opened it, grabbed him, and threw him to the ground, quickly closing it to avoid any attention.  He ran toward the rear back doors but I managed to leap on him at the last second, preventing him from escaping.  He threw me off and we stood, squaring up on each other and begun our fist fight finally.  He hit me twice in the jaw, which made me furious; I racked his head with my bare knuckles, hitting him everywhere, especially in his eyes.

After ten minutes of fighting, he stumbled to the side and I grabbed him by his shirt collar, raising my fist for the finishing strike.  Just then, Beth appeared at my side, the double doors burst open and a wealthy family walked through.  On the arm of the gentleman leading the group was Beth.  I looked at Beth next to me and then the one at the side of the wealthy fellow and stood back to think about the likely hood of her having a twin.  Beth #2 walked to the Beth by my side and leaned forward to kiss her.  Woke up.

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3 Responses to “Never hit a clergyman. Unless it’s Ben Affleck.”

  1. pbeau1986 Says:

    You crack me up!

  2. snadius Says:

    Glad you liked it, Pat! Random celebrity, lol.

  3. Happily Homeless Says:

    I would like to see a video short of this experience please…

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